Is this your first relationship with a woman?
Yes, LP opened my eyes to the fact that it is. I didn't want to admit it before, but I have always had feelings for women; I just didn't understand why and I was probably ashamed of it. That's why I kept telling myself that it was just hormones playing with me, that it wasn't possible. I believe that many young people feel this way and it can linger with them for a long time or even a lifetime. In that moment of realization, I understood that I had met the right person, the true love I had been searching for my whole life, an extraordinary being with such a beautiful heart that I didn't care at all that I was a lesbian. I was happy, and I only cared about what I wanted in life, not what others would think. I didn't care about that. We can't really be happy if we suppress or hide something inside us. That's why I want to be here for those who are struggling with this or searching for themselves. And I'm glad that I can talk about it publicly like this because perhaps my story could inspire someone.
When you first met in the studio of Snídani s Novou, how did it happen that you exchanged contacts? You probably knew that she was a lesbian, but she couldn't have known that about you…
In hindsight, she told me that she thought I was already married and had three children. (laughs) She had no idea about me. But when I saw her there that morning, I just knew it was her. I think the feelings were mutual; we subsequently exchanged Instagram accounts and it just flowed naturally from there. We also met for a date.
You have been together for a year. Have you taken her to meet your parents in Znojmo?
Of course! She has already tasted our wine, some plum brandy, and especially walnut liqueur. She really liked it there. My parents absolutely love her and are happy that I have someone by my side who treats me nicely, and I am satisfied.
You probably refer to the fact that you have been in several relationships as a victim of domestic violence. Did your parents not prohibit you from seeing that person?
My parents are some of the most tolerant people I know, and they never prohibited me from anything. And that's not how it works. When your daughter tells you that she is just going to go, no matter what happens, you can't do anything. You just pray that your child comes back home. But my parents also had no idea what was going on, and they learned the whole truth only after the breakup.
What kind of violence did you experience?
All possible forms. The worst I experienced was psychological and social violence. Jealousy, manipulation, constant control of my phone and privacy, threats, disconnection from family and friends, various prohibitions on what I wear, who I see, where I go… It felt like being in prison, a constant fear and nervousness about what mood I would wake up to and what would happen the next day. The days of tension were especially terrible. I often blamed myself, thinking that I deserved to be treated that way, that I was to blame, and that maybe they were right.
Did you seek professional help?
At the time when I was experiencing the worst moments of my life, which is also why my Foundation "Key to Smile" was created, I was seeing a psychologist, and I am very grateful for that. You could say she saved me.
How exactly?
When you experience domestic violence and others see it, they constantly try to tell you that you have to leave, that it can't go on like this. For me, it was always a stop sign, where I said to myself: Aha, I won't talk to this person anymore; I don't need them to advise me and decide what I should do; I won't confide in them anymore. That's how most victims of domestic violence feel. But the psychologist didn't tell me this; she just held up a mirror to me. So suddenly, I saw myself.
What did you realize at that moment?
That I was really experiencing domestic violence and that what was happening to me and how the other person was treating me was not normal. And that's why I appeal to others not to be ashamed to seek professional help, no matter what is happening to them. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It is beautiful when someone wants to take care of themselves and work on themselves and their inner self. It is admirable, not something to be ashamed of. When someone is being harmed and stays in a situation where they are not well, they are primarily harming themselves. The issue is that the victim does not value themselves, does not love themselves, because if they did, they would never allow anyone to treat them that way. When someone loves themselves, they wouldn't let such people into their lives, or they wouldn't appear because they have some respect and boundaries for themselves. And that is exactly what is important to work on internally.
It’s strange that a person leaves one relationship because they are being harmed and then jumps into another where they are again being harmed and doesn’t realize it for a long time…
I had terrible blocks within me. Some I resolved, but some followed me into subsequent relationships. The problem is that I couldn't be alone. Being alone was the worst thought for me. I told myself that I couldn't be alone, that others also have partners, and that I would be weird if I were alone. Such nonsensical thoughts raced through my head. That's why I jumped into another relationship, but it started all over again. It was evident that I was easily manipulable and longing for love for which I would do anything. I always wore rose-colored glasses at the beginning. I told myself that it would definitely be different; I desperately wanted to meet someone who would truly love and appreciate me. But even if something seemed off from the start, I didn't want to see it, and I lied to myself, justifying them by saying they were just in a bad mood, that it would be better the next day, that maybe they just had a bad night's sleep. But I simply didn't see that by doing what they did to me, they didn't value me.
You also mentioned that you stayed in those relationships because you were afraid to be alone?
Yes, and I know from my own experience that it is incredibly difficult to spend time alone with yourself when you don't love yourself. When you are alone, you suddenly have time to delve into yourself, to observe those ugly and unresolved things, to dig through them, and it is not pleasant. So it is actually "easier" for a person to be in the role of a victim than to start resolving those individual things within themselves.
I assume that with those partners you weren't just locked at home. When you went out among people, how did they behave?
Great. In public, they are the biggest entertainers. Exclusive manipulators. But after a while, even the aggressor lets their guard down, and people notice that something is not right. In the preventive lectures of our foundation, I always say: If you have a gut feeling at the beginning of a relationship, don’t ignore it. If you feel that something is wrong, I'm not saying you have to break up with that person immediately, but just be cautious. If they do something that makes you uncomfortable from the start, that should be a red flag in your mind, and if it continues despite you saying that it makes you uncomfortable, then that red flag should be screaming, and you should walk away. A person who truly cares about you will not repeatedly do something that harms you.
How did you feel when you finally realized that you would no longer tolerate this and left that last and worst relationship?
Actually, it was terrible. After all, you experience a breakup, and that is never pleasant. The fear subsided, but pain came. When you don’t love yourself and don’t want to be alone, you experience feelings of emptiness. In the past, I always dealt with this by finding someone new, and everything repeated itself. But after the last one, I was greatly helped by that psychologist, as well as videos and books by Bára English, who advises on how to work with fear and guides you to self-love. I recommend it to everyone! I vowed that I didn't want to live like this anymore and started working hard on myself.
You were then alone for 2.5 years. Can you say that today you love yourself?
It’s definitely not a hundred percent, but it’s completely different from how it was. It’s a lifelong journey, but I enjoy learning something new about myself all the time. But I can say that I feel beautiful and can finally recognize my true worth. In any case, I take everything from a completely different perspective – I am grateful for everything that has happened in my life. Without it, I would never have found myself and would never be where I am today. What helped me was truly diving deep into myself. Everyone should take ten minutes for themselves every day. And those who say they don't have time are just making excuses. We are all in the bathroom every day, after all. Or even before falling asleep. And in those minutes, it is possible to evaluate your day – who you made happy, thank yourself for what you accomplished, be kind to yourself, connect with yourself, and "hug yourself".
You spent almost half the summer with your love in LA. How did you enjoy your vacation across the ocean?
LA is really my second home. The summer was wonderful, I just feel like it all went by so quickly. Overall, I feel like time flies faster there than here with us. We celebrated my birthday and shortly after that, we also celebrated our first year together. My parents also visited America for the first time during the summer. But I also experienced one shocking experience, which was my first earthquake in life. It was just a matter of a few seconds, but I will never forget that feeling. I saw the ceiling and floor wave, and my legs were shaking as if I were standing on a wobbly chair. Fortunately, nothing happened. This earthquake was reportedly not one of the smaller ones that happen there often. A month later, we experienced another one.
Have you and your girlfriend been here in the Czech Republic together?
No, I wanted to be mainly in America during the summer. I was only in the Czech Republic briefly, primarily for work and to see family and friends. I attended several events, such as the festival in Karlovy Vary, where I hosted a fashion show for designer Debbie Brown, or I walked the runway at Czech Fashion Week after years. That was incredibly beautiful, and I realized that I missed it more than I thought.
Recently, you also visited Paris with LP…
We were mainly there for work; LP performed her most famous hits during Paris Fashion Week at a show by designer Christian Louboutin in collaboration with artist David LaChapelle. She was the main star of this unique show, which also had its own story. It was truly an experience. I am incredibly proud of LP.
However, according to your Instagram posts, you managed to do some sightseeing as well.
Yes, we couldn't resist and visited the most famous places of what I consider one of the most beautiful cities in Europe. I really enjoyed it because I had been to Paris years ago with my parents, so I was looking forward to revisiting everything. Of course, I am also a big fan of the series Emily in Paris, so I just had to explore some of the filming locations. Paris was very romantic.
Until recently, you were the host of Snídani s Novou, where you received a dismissal. How did you handle it?
Very positively. It was a beautiful life stage for which I am truly grateful. It gave me many experiences in life and, most importantly, true love and friends. I experienced more there than I ever dreamed of. And it was meant to be; something ends, something begins. In any case, we parted ways with TV Nova on good terms. Currently, I have started to fully return to modeling, and I am also increasingly drawn to acting. Years ago, I had some opportunities for various episodic roles in series, and I was very excited about it. But then other work opportunities arose, and I didn't have much time to develop my acting. Everything is about priorities. Now I have started to take an interest in it again. I am still engaged in hosting as well. Currently, I have some offers in all three fields, but I can't reveal more for now.
What are your plans for the upcoming days and weeks?
Of course, some work and events, but then I will gradually prepare for Christmas and enjoy peace and quiet with my loved ones. Last year we had American Christmas, my very first outside of the Czech Republic. This year, we will be in the Czech Republic with LP at our place. I am looking forward to showing her our traditions, but mainly that we will all be together.
Has LP already tasted our Czech Christmas cookies?
Yes, she liked my mom's linzer cookies the most. I, on the other hand, am all about gingerbread. My mom loves baking and always makes 12 kinds at Christmas, traditionally representing the 12 months. I admire her incredibly because she manages to make so many cookies in that hustle and bustle, and they always look so beautiful with all the details. I don't understand it. Last year, I only managed to make gingerbread; I just can't miss that, no matter how much work I have. So we'll see what happens this year.
Do you already have plans for celebrating New Year's Eve?
New Year's Eve is clear and has been planned for quite some time. We will be back in LA for a wedding. Just to clarify, not for ours. (laughs)
Do you have any personal dreams that you would like to fulfill in the coming year?
In these last few years, I have fulfilled dreams that I never even thought I would have. My entire life is currently one big dream, and I thank God for it every day. I am grateful for it to my love and my family, but also to myself for deciding to do something with my life. So I mainly wish for health, a lot of kindness, love, and humility. And let the rest be as it may.
Photo: Natálie Cali
